I’ve always had either a hate on or hard on for waitresses. There’s something about their black uniforms and forced flirtations but also something about their mosquito akin habits that makes me tick. This week I am King of the Road and thus, have had a lot of interesting servers.
This one gal, whom I would have married in an instant had she asked, waited on me for 2 nights in Regina. She had the sweetest way of periodically coming up and asking “Getcha a fresh beer” while flashing a cute smile. There’s something about the word pairing of Fresh Beer that just feels so nice in my mouth. Don’t try to say it 5 times fast or anything like that but rather just give it one, smooth and audible “Fresh Beer” with a little bit of inflexion at the end to signify a question. To me it sounds like some Englished up pronunciation of a small town in New Brunswick or something. Town of Freschbier, population 5,200.
Another waitress I had for 2 mornings in Regina was like a gnat at a barbeque. She had this incredibly irritating way of asking me the same question, twice in a row, on multiple occasions.
“And how is everything today?”
“Ya , everything’s good?”
And then 5 minutes later…
“How’s everything over here?”
“Ya, it’s fine?”
By the third time I wanted to leap up out of my seat, smash my coffee mug on the floor and yell “ON SECOND THOUGHT THIS FOOD IS FUCKING TERRIBLE! NOW RUN FOR THE HILLS WHILE I BURN THIS MOTHER DOWN!!!”
I also had a women for lunch and a man for dinner in Winnipeg that I felt like giving the calm, confident psychological test to. This involves me looking up with a James Bond like demeanor, make supreme but gentle eye contact and watch them squirm with anxiety. Words are fumbled, forks are dropped, it’s all good fun when you’re eating alone.
The day before I left for Saskatoon I stumbled upon another combination of words with a tasty texture but that also made me giggle like an idiot in front of my disgruntled diner waitress. A couple cups a coffee. Say that one 5 times fast for sure.
A final bit of word play that I will leave on involves the pondering of why the stress is on the n in the word envelope but on the v in the word enveloped? Shouldn’t it either be enVELope or EN-veloped?