Thus begins the tale of 3 interesting strangers.
1. Single Serving Friend
On a recent flight from Atlanta to Toronto I was seated beside a pretty lady. On my flight to Atlanta I got the baby seat and had a cute yet terrifying toddler screaming in my ear the whole way – so this was a nice change. Rather than watch another lousy action movie I decided to engage my plane buddy. I introduced myself just as the drink cart was coming by and I bought us both a bottle of red wine. This went over well with the gal and we proceeded to have pleasant conversation for the next 2 hours. As we were leaving the plane I said that she was the best single serving friend I had ever had. Apparently she hadn’t seen Fight Club and I had to explain the expression to her. This too went over well and we then continued through the terminal and stood in line at customs together. We got called to the same interrogation booth. I let her go first and she waited for me. However, just as I walked through her boyfriend came over and put his arm around her. She gave me an innocent yyyeeeaaah… look and I waved goodbye forever.
2. Stabby McGee
Last night I went for a stroll along the Bow River. I walked for about an hour through the heart of the beautifully lit city of Calgary while listening to an audio chapter of On the Road. I got to The Oak Tree Tavern (my targeted destination) just as my toes were going numb. I walked through the alley and to the back door but still true door of this establishment. As soon as I opened it I was confronted by a fidgety man in a tight corridor. He grabbed my by the collar of my jacket, held his glasses up to my abdomen like a knife and said “Are you ready for this!”
I calmly answered “Yeah, let’s do it.” Thinking that he was just drunk and fired up about the concert I had myself come to see.
“I’m gonna kill someone tonight!” He fired back with.
“Oh… Why are you gonna do that?”
“No! You’re not listening to me! I’m gonna kill someone tonight! Come on, let’s go!”
I briefly debated attacking him as hard as I could but I couldn’t tell if he actually had a knife or not so I got out of this the only way I knew how – by telling the truth.
“OK. But I gotta go take a shit first.”
To my surprise, this was acceptable to Stabby and he let me go upstairs to the bar. By the time I got upstairs I remembered that my friends were due to arrive shortly after me. I didn’t want them to run into this guy so I sent out a word of warning via text and then went back outside to keep an eye on this guy. I found him confronting a group of younger girls so I walked up behind him and tried to communicate via eye contact with the girl he was talking to. She “told” me that she had him calm and not to do anything. One of the other girls told me that she called the cops and I waited until they arrived, which took a surprisingly long time.
With the glasses he wore he kind of reminded me of this guy:
3. Tits McGee
Apparently Tits McGee went on vacation in Calgary. I saw her today in the mall. She was a rather large women and he size caught my eye immediately. A mere moment after I fixed my gaze on her Tits lifted up her sweater and began applying deodorant. The only thing was she didn’t have a bra on so her fun bags were just flapping out in the open. As repulsed as I was by her National Geographic nipples I found the fact that she let those slices of pepperoni hang out in public simply amazing.