* I started this blog a while back but ended up falling asleep and never finishing it. I didn’t feel like returning to it until now.
Some believe in eating anything, while the weak eat only vegetables.
Stupid vegetarians. Haven’t you heard the word?
Bear Count pre-May 20th: 1
Current Bear Count: 8
Song of the Blog: Kimya Dawson – My Mom
New Mallory video (Ya…this is happening): Purple Shoes/La Fille Danse @ Cafe Koi
I realize I have posted several blogs in the last few days but I have been doing a lot of walking and so I have a lot of thoughts to vent.
I received some disheartening news today. I found out that my new love interest will be moving back to Newfoundland to tend to her sick mother. Her ex boyfriend will be going with her (though they still remain apart). This made me very sad as it means that my encounter will be added to the ridiculous stack of fleeting moments of a similar nature that I have had in the last few years. I cherish them all and look forward to more in the future but the feeling that follows their resolution is the worst. It also got me to thinking about a troubling truth. I can never be aware of the last time that I will do something. Imagine if you could know when the last time would be that you’d kiss someone, or pet your dog, or hold your child in your arms (I can imagine), or take a breath. I would try as hard as I could to focus all of my attention on that moment alone. I wish I had the power that the main character has in the interesting short film (turned feature film) Cash back.
This ties in to my next point. I have already touched on this idea briefly in a previous post. I don’t think that the length of time that something is in your life is related to the meaningfulness of that thing. For instance, I have felt closer to people who are practically strangers and felt I knew them better than people I have known my whole life, including family members. It’s amazing how one focused conversation can cover as much ground as years of conversations filled with small talk.
I’ll never understand why people do things that they don’t want to do. I’m not referring to things like going to the dentist or paying bills but rather living in a generally unsatisfying way or maintaining relationships that are destructive. I’ll refer to my ex as an example here (don’t mean to criticize, merely cite). She works 2 jobs that consume an extraordinary amount of her time. One of those jobs she especially hates. The situation not only is not necessary as she could make more than enough money from teaching alone, but the environment is so bad that it actually was negatively effecting her health. She also suffers from the oppressive rule of her ex. Short of physical abuse I have never seen such a destructive relationship. Nonetheless, she maintained both unpleasantries due to a mixture of guilt and obligation. The other day I accidentally met her ex. I quite enjoyed speaking with her but moments after we parted I received a text lambasting me for talking to her and mentioning that we still hang out in some capacities. This also caught me off guard, though I probably should have suspected that she continued to withhold information from people. We were together for 3 months and she never told her parents about me. In fact, she actively mislead them on many occasions. This is something else that completely rattles my foundation. As much as could be reasonably expected I never keep secrets from anyone. I may not actively tell strangers of my more intimate details but generally, if someone asks me something I will do my best to give an honest answer. The fact that people keep information from their parents because of fear of disapproval makes my blood boil. If mine want to know what drugs I do, who I’m fucking or how I like to blow my money all they have to do is ask (or often just read this blog). They are allowed this information because a) I love them and b) I don’t give the smallest of shits what they think. Why anyone over the age of about 18 has to look anywhere other than inside for approval is completely beyond me.
My new interest has the same issue in regards to withholding information and maintaing unhappy relationships. She refuses to enlighten her ex-boyfriend as to my recent actions (This stuff is now being written as of June 7th so as the reader may know, more has happened since the e-mail I spoke of above). I find it odd how of the three of us (my ex, new interest and myself) it is the Christians who bare false witness. Fucking hypocrites. Show me anyone who claims to follow this shit earnestly and I’ll show you a God Damn lier. There is no such thing as a Christian on this planet.
So anyways, I saw my ex and her ex back together at a show the other night. I could tell by the body language that it wasn’t permissible for me to even go over and talk with them. After everything that I learned I am baffled as to how that relationship could resume. Either there are extraordinary masochists on this earth or people are legitimately forced into bad situations by an unseen force.
In lighter news,
I saw the Arkells again last week. They put on a stellar show and I was pleasantly surprised to see that they remembered me (albeit as “the Mizuno guy” but still…). I was also thoroughly impressed with the first opener, Lydia. Inspired by the music that night, I ventured to a couple open mics this week. On Tuesday I went to a place called Toque and met with the booker. That may be another iron in the fire. I also met a cool girl there. There will be another blog on this subject. Then last night I went to Ironwood with the interest. After a bit of coaxing I played one of several new songs that I have written on that subject. She filmed it so that video may eventually emerge (though I haven’t actually seen it myself yet). Oh…but even as I type this I am receiving texts to a disheartening nature. Perhaps I freaked her out a bit (It was kind of intense haha). Oh well. Full disclosure. The best part of that night was when a couple went up to play some folk tunes. Before their second song the girl warn the audience that there was a swear word and that she hoped no one would be offended. There was a brief pause and then she said “…It’s fuck.” I had a good laugh.
Now I am heading off to a weird place called Vicious Circle so that I can watch the girl from the other night play. She said if I came she’d introduce me to the booker and try to get me an opening. I think I’m weird enough to play there. Actually, I’ve been getting weirder lately so I definitely am. Good night everybody and super profundo on the early eve of your day.
…Holy fuck never mind. Literally two seconds after I posted this I had to re-edit because before I could even sign off my plans changed. I am now heading to the interest’s place. I don’t know if I’ll still go to V.C. or not. I’ll keep you posted on that.