May 29 – I’m Speechless….but I’m about to Write A Lot Anyway

Song of the Blog: Ben Howard – Keep Your Head Up

Where to begin…

Fuck talking about Banff so much has happened since them. This blog comes in 3 acts.

Act 1. – Challenge Accepted

I wasn’t originally supposed to come back from Banff until Sunday night but my love interest kept inviting me to this show Saturday night. Also, a golf event came up in Red Deer on the Sunday that I felt obligated to attend. Those two things got me on the road back to Calgary Saturday evening. Along the way I kept getting the “Where are you?” texts and what not and naturally I started to feel a glimmer of hope. I had to pull over at one point and do more kicks. Part of that was do to Ben Howard. Holy fuck that guy gets me fired up. I finally arrived at the venue at about 10pm. I spotted the interest and when I walked over to her she got up and gave me her chair. She then introduced me to this guy (“The curse of Eden” guy) and her semi-boyfriend Christian and then walked over to another table. She then turned back to me and gave me a smirk that suggested a challenge. Well, challenge fucking accepted! After the show I took them all out for drinks, as well as a few other musicians. Except, all these people were those monkish, vegan, non-drinking musicians and so Selina and I just got smashed by ourselves. I had already had a few drinks by this point but I was still game for some wine. I started by ordering a half litre for us. Christian got fed up and was the first to leave. To fill the void I invited the lonely old guy at the next table to join us. I named him Manstache because he oiled his moustache. I forget his actual name now but he was 84 years old and fit right in with us. He dove in with both feet to our intense philosophical discussion and then sang us an old folk song his mother wrote. In fact, there was much lyrical prose shared at that table. Selina and I shared poems we had written (non of the monks cared) and then we played “Synthesize That” and “Things” – two games from my old high school cross-country days.

Below the table I was being texted that the interest just wanted to get trashed and then cuddle. “Another bottle of wine!” I instantly hollered to the waitress while making a rally-it-up motion. By the time that Boston Pizza kicked us out (2am) it was clear that I could no longer drive the interest home, as was originally planned after the bf left. Enter the third party who I haven’t mentioned yet. There is a third guy who is in love with my interest. He is super cool and I like him a lot as a buddy. I feel bad for the pursuit but I am not about to stop. Anyway, he drove us both home and sensing my intentions, made sure that I got dropped off first. Instantly I began texting the interest again and she invited me over. En route I found a cat and it followed me to the apartment. I brought it up and wouldn’t you know it, the interest is a cat lover. Small catch at this point: third party is also in the apartment. It was quite strange how everyone in the triangle felt love and respect for each other and did not want to hurt anyone else but also intensely wanted to pursue their own interests as well. There was much beating around the bush. Because of the interest’s Christian parameters (the religion, not the guy…well the guy too I guess) she has to find loopholes in order to do what she wants. We began by playing a card game that somehow both the third party and I won. As a prize we got to have anything we wanted. The third party chose a song from the interest and I made it clear that I should not be offered this power. After that she started a game of spin the bottle…yah. BUT! We couldn’t start with kissing. We naturally had to warm up to it for some reason. Oh yah, and by this point her neighbour and her interest have entered the scene with more alcohol. The first round was a hand shake. The second round was a hug. Due to boredom and hormones the two new guests left. Round 3 was finally what round 1 should have been but I had to kiss the dude twice before i finally got to the interest…and then it got weird. I was the only one who took part in round 4.

After that came honesty time. I don’t even know why I took this long to speak up but I finally said everything that needed to be said. After that the interest looked to third party for response. He apologized to me and then grabbed the interest and kissed her passionately. As much as I desire Truth I still had to look away.

The conversation then drifted back into philosophy and then the sun came up. At 6am I finally had to leave, though I knew what would happen as soon as I did. I got to Starbucks 4mins after they opened and then i went and had breakfast. I still had to retrieve my van from the other side of town so I could pack it up with golf stuff and head up to Red Deer. It took me longer to get there then expected as my achilles tendon is super fucked from all the mountain stuff. To add insult to injury the Calgary Marathon was on that morning and every route back to my house was blocked. I finally got back, packed and hit the road.  it was a challenge to get through 3 hours of driving and 4 hours on the range but Love trumps even Red Bull. I tried to convince the interest to hang out again when I got home but somebody needed to sleep. Sleep is for the weak.

Act 2. – “Hey There Stranger!”

I was home this evening preparing a set list for my gig at Classic Jack’s this Saturday. I was going to go to Koi afterwords for the open mic but I broke a string and was delayed because of it. As I was cooling down my voice I sat watching an interview of Max, the lead singer of the Arkells (in town tomorrow night!). Through the window I noticed my love interest poking her head around. I opened the door and found her starring at a bush next door. I summoned her and we hung out for the next couple of hours. All the while she insisted that she had to leave soon but I have a way of being persuasive. When she finally did go I walked her home but convinced her to take a massive detour down by the river. We had more pleasant yet intense conversation and I finally bid her a due back at her apartment (but not by my design).

Act 3 – Perspective

As I walked slowly back to my house I ran into a shady looking guy on a bike. I told him I was having a weird night and he said he was too. I let him go first…

Steve left his home a few hours prior to meet with his buddy and old lady. He grabbed 3 beers for them but when he walked around the corner he found them locking lips. Instead of loosing it he went off for a walk to clear his head. When he got home he found that his banking password had been changed and all $7000.00 of his money transferred out. “I used to know her but then she started doing crack” he said – “That stuff really changes people.” I agreed, assuming he was right. “You know who the only woman I can trust is?” he asked. “Here’s a picture of my mother” he reached into his otherwise empty wallet and pulled out a picture of an old lady in a wheel chair. “She died last week” he said tearfully. My mind is pretty much fucked at this point. I asked him what he was going to do. He said that he still had to go to work the next day so he went to Walmart and stole a pair of boots and a mountain bike so he could get through the week. We were almost back to my house by this point so I said I’d give him money for a hotel at least. I reached into the tube that I keep my music money in and gave him about $150. When I came outside with it he was full on in tears. He asked for my number so he could repay me. I gave him my cell. I don’t know if he will but I don’t even care. He then said “I don’t really believe in God but God Bless.” I said “Neither do I so we’re all good. Cheers.” Oh yah, and I didn’t even bother telling him of my state of confusion. Somehow it seemed petty after all that. but even after all that can you not see, dear reader, how ridiculous all of this is!? Seriously, does this stuff happen to other people too? I feel like I’m in a weird novel or on a never ending episode of the O.C. or something. I wouldn’t be surprised if I have an intense airport scene come August when the interest moves back to Newfoundland. Fuck, did I even mention that? And Christian is going with her. I tried to get her to come to Banff with me but this was the reason why she wouldn’t. Strange how the preceding events followed.


If this is the Truman show someone better fucking tell me right now. I do a lot of embarrassing stuff behind closed doors that other people don’t need to see.

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