It was suggested before I moved that I should start a blog. I always thought it would seem a little pretentious but you know something, I have so much free time on my hands lately that I have talked myself into it.
The first topic of discussion for today is Wal-Mart. Say what you want, but they are fucking smart. I went in there today to buy a bin and came out with a new bath towel, wash cloth, 8-bowl set, Aunt Jemima’s pancake mix, a ‘garden meadow’ candle and corresponding room spray, a can of Chunky soup and a DVD called Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. At least the bin made a good carry device for all my shit.
“But oh, what about the evil sweat shops?” one might say. “I make my own clothes and support the local farmer.” Well, you know what? We’re not that much better here. I’ve worked for the local farmer. He had a whole team of illegal Mexicans doing his dirty work and once he paid us in Cauliflower. So do I feel guilty shopping at Wal-Mart? Yes, but I feel guilty anytime I buy anything.
Next, I have to talk about this movie I bought. I don’t have cable or Internet at the moment (posting this via free local café wi-fi) and so I have been forced to resort to other forms of cheap entertainment. For $5 dollars I was able to buy myself 89 minutes of what was sure to be edge-of-your-seat, well researched material. So here is the run down (spoiler alert!). A pair of scientists “borrowed” a sub to go study whale migration patterns up in the artic somewhere. There was also a military dude flying a chopper on a mission that, if something went wrong during, the government would deny the existence of.
Because of the melting of the polar ice caps a large shelf breaks off and exposes Mega Shark and Giant Octopus (Thank you very much Global Warming!). The pilot fucks up during his mission and crashes into the block of ice. The very realistic explosion shatters the ice and sets free MS and GO. Due to the shock of it all, the attractive scientist is confused about what she saw but MS and GO did indeed swim off, and why wouldn’t they after being frozen for 18 million years? After studying the carcass of a whale, she tries to warn her supervisor but he won’t listen because his “ass is on the line!”
We soon find out that these prehistoric monsters are unstoppable, irrational killers. GO takes down an oil rig an entire fleet of subs and a fighter jet, while MS goes after a 747 plane, a destroyer and the Golden gate bridge.
After many exhausting hours in the lab mixing different colored mixtures, the scientists develop a plan to trap, but preserve the creatures in two large bays. Unfortunately, the military intervenes and only serves to piss them off. I knew the movie wouldn’t end 46mins in. One last light bulb goes off in the attractive scientists head. If we can’t beat them we’ll have them beat each other.
After a series of open water chases they somehow end up back in the same place that we started (i.e. the artic or Alaska or some where cold with water). As the older, Irish scientist explains the two creatures have a deep seeded hatred for each other and will naturally do battle. Sure enough, the two clash in an epic back and forth affair. In the end they both die simultaneously. Our triumphant scientists can rest easy on the beach
…Or can they?
To add one last twist to this sophisticated thriller, Irish scientist gets word of an unidentified life form in the North Sea. Do we have more prehistoric monsters on our hands? I guess I’ll have to head back to Wal-Mart to look for the sequel.
Pros: It was slightly better than starring at the wall for 89mins.
Cons: When attractive scientist bangs Asian scientist the camera does the old pan off. I didn’t realize we were targeting a Disney audience here.